I came to realization that this blog of mine has became a place for an emotional wreck like me to rant about my poor emotional state . I think I'm deranged , or maybe , I am deranged . I wonder if some nerves up my brain went haywire due to the amount stress I subject myself to. I really hope that's the case , cause that could easily be fixed with a correct dosage of medicine prescription , but i can't say the same if I'm mentally deranged , or perhaps , broken within . I doubt even the best doctors could fix a wreck like me . I often dream that someday , someone would serenade me with "fix you" by Coldplay . That song means so much to me, that I couldn't even bring myself to express what I feel when I listen to that song . It flutters my heart strings and bring me to a state in which I casually believe that I'm fine , strong and I'm not afraid of anything. But the truth is that , I'm not .

1. "I'm fine" , is in fact the biggest lie I've said to anyone , deep within I know that I'm not, I'm falling apart as days come and go , I could feel pieces of me dying every single day and hope is withering in me. People around me tend to say , "You'll feel better after a nap, everything would be fine." But that doesn't apply to me . I would wake up the next day and sigh for I didn't die in my sleep , such a shame , isn't it?

2."I'm strong" , that would be the persona I wear when I leave my house . But once I get home and realize I'm all alone , "strong" would be the wrong word to describe me for I'm too vulnerable to be deemed as strong. Truth be told , even when I go to bed , I need my 3 teddy bears to protect me , to assure me that they will be there for me even when everything falls apart . So how could I be strong when I'm still so vulnerable ?

3."I'm not afraid of anything." , that's a lie too . I tend to laugh at others when they say that they're afraid of insects , dark and etc , just to put on a fake facet of me that I'm not afraid of anything. But I'm a human too and fear would be one of my worst enemies . For example , while I was looking for a parking spot in a shopping mall , suddenly there was a car tailing me from behind and the scary part was that the driver was speeding while tailing me . Anxiety and fear got the best of me and I accelerated too , but it was a futile attempt to shake him off my tail . So , i decided to go against the traffic in the parking lot and drove somewhere else . That would be considered as a bad driving experience as I suffered from post-anxiety after that incident . Sigh.