"I'm going absolutely insane and nobody has noticed."

I wonder if I could prove the validity of the statement above . As days come and go , I tend to wonder if my life could get anymore Stepford-like , and indeed it could and it did. I'm so frustrated , bored and tired of my mundane lifestyle that I'm going absolutely mad and the funny thing would be that nobody has noticed , not even people close to me. I'm losing the grip on reality and I'm falling deep into abyss , like a flightless bird , plunging into darkness.

"Oh doh, Oh dear , Oh darling , what's the sighing about?"
The sighing is a my heart's longing for all my dreams to come true , but none of them every did , so it weeps silently everyday . Sigh .

"HAYYY THEREEE ! :D"

Did the sentence above change your perception towards me? Perhaps, made me sound like an optimistic person? Cause I hope it did, i guess it works like a charm , just like the fake smile I've been putting on for quite some time. But please, don't get me wrong , I do experience happy times and I try to smile or laugh as often as possible , especially with my loved ones.

Anyway, I'm here to clear some things off my mind so that I don't blabber out inappropriate words in front people that wouldn't like my honest opinion .

1. I'm yet to describe my disdain towards rich , uneducated brats . By uneducated , i don't mean it literally, just that sometimes they act like they're spoilt brats without proper teachings and they would just put on the 'I'm freaking rich, so what?" attitude that deserves a decent scolding or bitching from me. To be honest , if you're rich , please wear a classy attitude and avoid treating others like slaves . At the very least , treat others with respect . Here's a personal encounter my close friend had with a mutual , rich friend.
Rich Friend(RF) : Hey Laura , you should hang out with William ! He's getting dumber and dumber each day ! Do you know that he scored pretty bad for the previous test?
Laura : *remains dumbfounded by the conversation and decided to tell me*
Therefore, what makes you think you could blabber on about other people's lives when your own attitude is so bad that it's turning negative ? And please , don't take this personally as i wasn't referring to all the rich people out there and i doubt a normal person would have the courage to tell each and every one of your friends that you're rich and own a fortune that doesn't belong to your parents and that you have to depend on your parents to buy the pair of underwear you're wearing . Just saying.

2. Apart from that , I can't put up with people that are constantly complaining about breaking up. And by that, i meant breaking up in general like a group of friends or perhaps couples . If you're my close friend that has recently gotten into a fight with your partner and need mental support, I'll be there. But if you're just a normal friend or acquaintance of mine, trying to get my attention and pity , I would suggest that you keep the issue to yourself and to those who care , because I honestly don't . And to quote , "Only a few would honestly care about you and most of them are just curious." In this case, I would be the latter. For that being said , I digress to my main point. I'm sick and tired of people ranting about a group of friends breaking up and they're not making an effort to fix it. As far as I could recall , a few of you decided to walk out of the group and you put the blame on the rest of the group. To be frank , we're still here and we never went off . Maybe, just maybe , you guys were too busy ranting about the group that you've totally forgotten about that . We all did our part by inviting all of you for events and all , so please stop complaining that we're breaking up . You have to keep in mind that we did make and effort while you guys were busy avoiding the whole world .

They say to forgive and forget , but I'm not a saint , not even close to being one. So I think I would be able to forgive but not forget for I don't plan on doing so. Toodaloo .

“Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.

It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.”
-A paragraph I've quoted from Tumblr

It scares me as the resemblance it has to my life is uncanny. I'm scared of the uncertainty .
Every single fucking time, I would take a sharp object and pray for the courage to actually end my life.
But i can't do so, my whole damn world is depending on me and I wouldn't bear to see people crying for me at my funeral , if there's any to start with.
I've been walking this life for 18 years , and loneliness haunts me every single day. And it hurts, hurts so deep that I don't think I could wake up from this pain i'm feeling.
I hope that someone would save me from my old ways .
But life's no fairy tale isn't it?
I'm not as lucky as I wish to be.
Sigh, it has to be one of those nights again.

"In another life, I would make you stay..."
"All these money couldn't buy me a time machine..."
Once again , it has dawned upon me that I'm still all alone.
Perhaps in a metaphorical sense , it's amazing how I could still lonely in a room crowded with friends and acquaintances .
And if only I had a time machine, I would put that night on re-run , i would cherish every moment spent with you and cross my fingers while hoping for something magical.
But , I guess that's not possible and therefore you're the one that got away.
Sigh, it's one of those nights again, I think I should stop babbling.
Till next time .