I came to realization that this blog of mine has became a place for an emotional wreck like me to rant about my poor emotional state . I think I'm deranged , or maybe , I am deranged . I wonder if some nerves up my brain went haywire due to the amount stress I subject myself to. I really hope that's the case , cause that could easily be fixed with a correct dosage of medicine prescription , but i can't say the same if I'm mentally deranged , or perhaps , broken within . I doubt even the best doctors could fix a wreck like me . I often dream that someday , someone would serenade me with "fix you" by Coldplay . That song means so much to me, that I couldn't even bring myself to express what I feel when I listen to that song . It flutters my heart strings and bring me to a state in which I casually believe that I'm fine , strong and I'm not afraid of anything. But the truth is that , I'm not .

1. "I'm fine" , is in fact the biggest lie I've said to anyone , deep within I know that I'm not, I'm falling apart as days come and go , I could feel pieces of me dying every single day and hope is withering in me. People around me tend to say , "You'll feel better after a nap, everything would be fine." But that doesn't apply to me . I would wake up the next day and sigh for I didn't die in my sleep , such a shame , isn't it?

2."I'm strong" , that would be the persona I wear when I leave my house . But once I get home and realize I'm all alone , "strong" would be the wrong word to describe me for I'm too vulnerable to be deemed as strong. Truth be told , even when I go to bed , I need my 3 teddy bears to protect me , to assure me that they will be there for me even when everything falls apart . So how could I be strong when I'm still so vulnerable ?

3."I'm not afraid of anything." , that's a lie too . I tend to laugh at others when they say that they're afraid of insects , dark and etc , just to put on a fake facet of me that I'm not afraid of anything. But I'm a human too and fear would be one of my worst enemies . For example , while I was looking for a parking spot in a shopping mall , suddenly there was a car tailing me from behind and the scary part was that the driver was speeding while tailing me . Anxiety and fear got the best of me and I accelerated too , but it was a futile attempt to shake him off my tail . So , i decided to go against the traffic in the parking lot and drove somewhere else . That would be considered as a bad driving experience as I suffered from post-anxiety after that incident . Sigh.

"I'm going absolutely insane and nobody has noticed."

I wonder if I could prove the validity of the statement above . As days come and go , I tend to wonder if my life could get anymore Stepford-like , and indeed it could and it did. I'm so frustrated , bored and tired of my mundane lifestyle that I'm going absolutely mad and the funny thing would be that nobody has noticed , not even people close to me. I'm losing the grip on reality and I'm falling deep into abyss , like a flightless bird , plunging into darkness.

"Oh doh, Oh dear , Oh darling , what's the sighing about?"
The sighing is a my heart's longing for all my dreams to come true , but none of them every did , so it weeps silently everyday . Sigh .

"HAYYY THEREEE ! :D"

Did the sentence above change your perception towards me? Perhaps, made me sound like an optimistic person? Cause I hope it did, i guess it works like a charm , just like the fake smile I've been putting on for quite some time. But please, don't get me wrong , I do experience happy times and I try to smile or laugh as often as possible , especially with my loved ones.

Anyway, I'm here to clear some things off my mind so that I don't blabber out inappropriate words in front people that wouldn't like my honest opinion .

1. I'm yet to describe my disdain towards rich , uneducated brats . By uneducated , i don't mean it literally, just that sometimes they act like they're spoilt brats without proper teachings and they would just put on the 'I'm freaking rich, so what?" attitude that deserves a decent scolding or bitching from me. To be honest , if you're rich , please wear a classy attitude and avoid treating others like slaves . At the very least , treat others with respect . Here's a personal encounter my close friend had with a mutual , rich friend.
Rich Friend(RF) : Hey Laura , you should hang out with William ! He's getting dumber and dumber each day ! Do you know that he scored pretty bad for the previous test?
Laura : *remains dumbfounded by the conversation and decided to tell me*
Therefore, what makes you think you could blabber on about other people's lives when your own attitude is so bad that it's turning negative ? And please , don't take this personally as i wasn't referring to all the rich people out there and i doubt a normal person would have the courage to tell each and every one of your friends that you're rich and own a fortune that doesn't belong to your parents and that you have to depend on your parents to buy the pair of underwear you're wearing . Just saying.

2. Apart from that , I can't put up with people that are constantly complaining about breaking up. And by that, i meant breaking up in general like a group of friends or perhaps couples . If you're my close friend that has recently gotten into a fight with your partner and need mental support, I'll be there. But if you're just a normal friend or acquaintance of mine, trying to get my attention and pity , I would suggest that you keep the issue to yourself and to those who care , because I honestly don't . And to quote , "Only a few would honestly care about you and most of them are just curious." In this case, I would be the latter. For that being said , I digress to my main point. I'm sick and tired of people ranting about a group of friends breaking up and they're not making an effort to fix it. As far as I could recall , a few of you decided to walk out of the group and you put the blame on the rest of the group. To be frank , we're still here and we never went off . Maybe, just maybe , you guys were too busy ranting about the group that you've totally forgotten about that . We all did our part by inviting all of you for events and all , so please stop complaining that we're breaking up . You have to keep in mind that we did make and effort while you guys were busy avoiding the whole world .

They say to forgive and forget , but I'm not a saint , not even close to being one. So I think I would be able to forgive but not forget for I don't plan on doing so. Toodaloo .

“Depression is humiliating. It turns intelligent, kind people into zombies who can’t wash a dish or change their socks. It affects the ability to think clearly, to feel anything, to ascribe value to your children, your lifelong passions, your relative good fortune. It scoops out your normal healthy ability to cope with bad days and bad news, and replaces it with an unrecognizable sludge that finds no pleasure, no delight, no point in anything outside of bed. You alienate your friends because you can’t comport yourself socially, you risk your job because you can’t concentrate, you live in moderate squalor because you have no energy to stand up, let alone take out the garbage. You become pathetic and you know it. And you have no capacity to stop the downward plunge. You have no perspective, no emotional reserves, no faith that it will get better. So you feel guilty and ashamed of your inability to deal with life like a regular human, which exacerbates the depression and the isolation. If you’ve never been depressed, thank your lucky stars and back off the folks who take a pill so they can make eye contact with the grocery store cashier. No one on earth would choose the nightmare of depression over an averagely turbulent normal life.

It’s not an incapacity to cope with day to day living in the modern world. It’s an incapacity to function. At all. If you and your loved ones have been spared, every blessing to you. If depression has taken root in you or your loved ones, every blessing to you, too. No one chooses it. No one deserves it. It runs in families, it ruins families. You cannot imagine what it takes to feign normalcy, to show up to work, to make a dentist appointment, to pay bills, to walk your dog, to return library books on time, to keep enough toilet paper on hand, when you are exerting most of your capacity on trying not to kill yourself. Depression is real. Just because you’ve never had it doesn’t make it imaginary. Compassion is also real. And a depressed person may cling desperately to it until they are out of the woods and they may remember your compassion for the rest of their lives as a force greater than their depression. Have a heart. Judge not lest ye be judged.”
-A paragraph I've quoted from Tumblr

It scares me as the resemblance it has to my life is uncanny. I'm scared of the uncertainty .
Every single fucking time, I would take a sharp object and pray for the courage to actually end my life.
But i can't do so, my whole damn world is depending on me and I wouldn't bear to see people crying for me at my funeral , if there's any to start with.
I've been walking this life for 18 years , and loneliness haunts me every single day. And it hurts, hurts so deep that I don't think I could wake up from this pain i'm feeling.
I hope that someone would save me from my old ways .
But life's no fairy tale isn't it?
I'm not as lucky as I wish to be.
Sigh, it has to be one of those nights again.

"In another life, I would make you stay..."
"All these money couldn't buy me a time machine..."
Once again , it has dawned upon me that I'm still all alone.
Perhaps in a metaphorical sense , it's amazing how I could still lonely in a room crowded with friends and acquaintances .
And if only I had a time machine, I would put that night on re-run , i would cherish every moment spent with you and cross my fingers while hoping for something magical.
But , I guess that's not possible and therefore you're the one that got away.
Sigh, it's one of those nights again, I think I should stop babbling.
Till next time .

Life's a mysterious cycle , perhaps , an unending cycle.
We connect to some people at certain point in life and it'll bound to break.
In hopes that someday we'll come together again and have a great laugh at our own foolishness albeit the great fights we went through.
Perhaps, I now have a new set of thinking towards life or maybe I've grown used to those negative emotions that once raged through me.
I used to be the one that be mad or depressed at the slightest change in life, I used to blame everyone apart from myself and such, plunged my life into sadness.
Maybe , now that I understand the different facet of life, I see the light.
I understand that people DO come and go. As they always say , " Easy come, easy go." I know that everything in life happens for a reason and we would have to bear every consequences that comes along with the decision we made. I figured that life's a endless rat race.
And most importantly , if you can't tolerate me, just let me go, I won't freaking tie you down.
To speak the truth , I don't like people tolerating me , I wish you would just scream it to my face instead. At least I would get the hint and would pull away and leave, and be alone.
I love being alone, I do. When I'm alone, no one could hurt me , no one could judge me, no one could degrade me .

For that being so , I digress.

Sigh , today's been a tough day ! But amidst the hectic college life I'm going through , there's actually events that would make me wear a smile on my face !
For example , I scored 91 for my recent math test ! And that deserves a standing ovation. Just saying !
And... My lecturer just complimented me for having a good voice and asked whether I would wanna emcee for an upcoming event. This totally made my day ! And no, it's not like I'm blowing my own horn or anything like that. But i really do like nice compliments . Sigh , I'm not weird, am I ? #smh

Why am I a Cancer , or perhaps , why do I have Cancer as my zodiac sign?
I reckon i should be given the rights to pick my traits and personality based on my zodiac sign.
For the record, i would prefer being a Leo instead of a sensitive , emotional crab.
Well , maybe , just maybe , if sensitivity wasn't a part of my traits and personality , i would've lived a better, happier life?
I'm sensitive and I over think every single thing that revolves around me , every little glimpse of emotion that people around me shows and I tend to care too much .
Perhaps , this sums up to my life being a bad movie stuck on replay all along.
I tend to put the blame on myself when things don't turn out right and I withdraw from my friends when i feel a hint of hostility towards me.
Thus , leads to friends and acquaintance leaving my life in a short period of time .
My friend once said , " You're so sociable , I'm sure you have plenty of friends."
But deep inside, my thoughts screamed "What makes you think i have friends?"
Truth is , everyone applies the 'easy come - easy go' policy in my life , it's like a routine, or perhaps a cycle.
I meet someone , we talk , we get to know each other , we turn into close friends , he/she leaves.
So I guess I have all the rights to not relate to anyone and build walls around me as I've grown cold and tired to all of these bullshits in my life .

I have no idea why is my heart is aching so bad.
It feels like someone is holding tight to it in their palms , suffocating me , trying to end my miserable life as my heart beats to a straight line on the EKG.
For that, i don't know whether it would be a blessing or a pain , maybe , just maybe , a bit of both.
But let me convince you that you don't have to do that to inflict damage upon me.
I'm already in pieces . Emotionally and physically drained.
My huge eye bags are such evident proof that i can't possibly deny it.
Perhaps i was so caught up in life that i forgot to take a breather , resulting in a breakdown of my daily routine.
I feel so... out of focus these days and finals is coming in a week's time.
Right now ,all i wished for is to wake up in the morning , knowing that i have blank entries on my to-do-list ,that I don't have to rush nowhere or perhaps , to be given a choice to continue dating my dear bed.

That quote seems legit enough for me to trust. Have I been fighting for a long time already?
Honestly , i don't know . I don't know when i started to wage a war with myself. Perhaps when i was a teenager? When everything just come crashing down, knowing that I'm never good enough for everyone. I tried to strive for perfection but nothing comes around.


They say, you'll eventually grow stronger through the hardship and practice leads you to perfection. Perfection , such a hollow word used by the society to put unneeded stress upon the teenagers to attempt to stand out and please others. The reality is so cruel , wrapped up with such menace .



I've tried to please everyone , with a smile plastered across my face while i greet everyone and through the process of pleasing everyone , i got hurt. I bruised myself.



People around me often ask , " Why do you look sad? Unhappy?" And I'll be replying , "I'm okay." with much sadness masked behind another plastered smile .





I learnt that everyone's fighting their own demons and problems so what are the chances that someone would actually understand you? Every morning , i wake up feeling scared . I'm actually afraid of waking up , to face the world , to change in order to fit in the mold , to be what the society deem as an elite.



But ,



I know I'll never be good enough for anyone. I'll never be . So i seek solace in my dreams. At least , in my dreams , i could be whoever and do whatever i wanted to . In my dreams , i could be the definition of perfection. In my dreams , i would have everything i ever dreamt of .



& I often wonder.

This explains why I have been stuffing myself with food lately. But oh well, I don't think there's any problems in doing so. So I'll continue on with that like how Patrick does it ;)

Nobody knows I'm all alone,
Am I that good in masking my real emotions?
No one has ever said to me , "I'll be there for you , through thin or thick , over the mountain or sea."
No one has ever made an effort to know me better, to care about my feelings.
Humans are such selfish creatures in nature.

Sometimes , I force a smile on my face and willingly do what other wants so that they would feel appreciated and happy , sometimes even sacrifices , and keep all my deep feelings locked up inside .
But , I know it's all worth it as long as I see smiles on peoples' faces.
But they don't know I need a smile in return too.
To be honest , I'm not your typical driver , I'm not your typical joker , I'm definitely not your friends with benefits.
Sometimes , I contemplate whether to tell people how I feel , but somehow , my heart always comes up with an excuse not to .
I may be the one laughing the loudest , I may be the one making jokes, I may the most talkative one, but those are just steps I take to avoid being neglected.
Over and over again , my friends would just neglect me and take me for granted.
It makes me feel diminished , insignificant .

When I feel neglected , I flee , I hide , I run , I turn mad , I start to question myself. From then , misunderstanding arises . "Conflicts starts from misunderstandings. When we think that our friends’ changed or we’ve been replaced. When you have a longterm friendship, you or your friend will expect more from you. They want to know more about you but if you told everything to them they will be bored. " By then , you wouldn't even know where I am and don't bother searching cause I'll never be found.

These days , I've been pondering over the existence of people around me. Or perhaps people that i call 'friends' or maybe 'close friends' in my journey or life. There's genuine, fakes , liars , heart breakers and etc. Sometimes , i pull away from friends due to certain aspects and build up walls to see if anyone is willing to tear them down. But no one would , no one would bother about me.

"I lost high school friends and then… best friends turn into friends and soon enough you’re calling them acquaintances… and soon enough, it’s just you." Yes you, stranger over there.

“There is always a reason.
Tear my heart out and throw it on the ground.
But please dont ever let me hear the sound,
Of those words coming out of your mouth again.
I thought that you were always my friend.
After things said, and things done,
I feel like i should regret a ton.
We used to laugh and share secrets,
But now the space between us is filled with regrets.
No one to talk to when i’m sad.
no one to talk to about the day i had.
But things always happen for a reason, right?
i guess thats why we got into this fight…”
— Pandylikespoems: Always a reason

If only i could turn back the hands on the clock , literally , to rewind time.
I am that insecure , fickle minded , sensitive teenager and you should've known better.
They say , promises are lies with a ribbon tied onto it, perhaps , it is.
I'm sorry that I've promised that I'll never ever be mad at you, i guess i was wrong, i was being ignorant , hoping that we'll never get into a major fight.
But who knew, a misunderstanding due to my insecurity would cause such a huge mess?
Maybe , it's true that relationships are bound to break , maybe it's time to take a breather , to know each other better.
But i can't . Like humans , I'm an insecure , possessive , territorial creature.
When i find out that I'm not a part of something , I'll escape , I'll flee. I'll hide away from the group. They say , trust takes years to build and seconds to break . I'm just surprised that the 2nd major fight would come so soon. I still remember the first fight we had in form 4 , which i was left there , hanging, to fend for myself , fighting my insecurities with the hope that everything will be fine. To be frank , that bothered me for quite a while . Actually , every fight we got in , it bothers me a lot . But , this time around, I'm growing immune to those feelings , practice makes perfect? This shows how distant we've grown , it's like we're heading for a downfall.
But i still refuse to accept the fact , i would still wanna be that ignorant , careful friend of yours . I miss those late night strolls around town , i miss those stupids things we do all day. I miss everything we had. I can't bare to let it vanish due to a stupid fight we got in, it's not worth it. Remember the times we spent? I hope you still do.





Like the candle you burnt out , I'm bound to wither off your life, but I'll still be there waiting for you , hoping that things would come around.
I miss you , best friend .

As a rhythm starts playing , my sub conscious starts to drift away , leaving an exterior behind as the song rummage through my deepest emotions.
Sometimes , i feel pain , the agony , sadness , madness as emotions take the best of me.
But there are times that , i feel ecstatic , i feel joyful , hopeful and a huge sense of relieve.
Just pluck in your earphones , and let the rhythm lead you somewhere , far far away.

Rome wasn't built in a day , neither was Japan .
Rest assured that the rest of the world is with you through this calamity.
#Pray for Japan.

Ever heard of a mental blockage ?
That would probably be the best way to describe what i'm feeling right now.
I'm trying to type an obligatory blog post when my mind's all a blank.
Why obligatory? Well it's because i left my blog for a certain period of time and i think it's time to patronize my blog.
Okay , i'll start with my reckless adventure with my best friend yesterday.
So both of us , PeiJiun and I decided to drive around mindlessly around the city just for the fun of it.
And soon , she suggested that we drive up to Genting Highlands at like 1a.m. in the morn with a KANCIL.
Yes , you heard saw it right.
I even took the liberty to Google ' can i drive a kancil up to genting highlands '
And these are the answers i've got as quoted from Yahoo!Answers ,

'No, you cannot use a kancil - too small.
Better to ride a kerbau, up genting ; also can go, by bush.'
'watpe naik kancil, baik naik kuda... bgai nak mampos kancil tu... '

And well of course , a more sane answer which told us we can't possibly drive a Kancil up to Genting since it's a small car and it's engine isn't that compatible unless if you're a skilled driver which i don't think both of us can even fit in the skilled category . But we already paid the toll and was on the highway with no room for regrets. As we drove on , the car's radiator began to boil and we're only left with a nothing more than a mere quarter of petrol left in the oil tank . So much for feeling adventurous at 1a.m. In order to cool the radiator down , we drove like a snail as compared to other cars on the highway. And soon , we saw a u-turn and went all hallelujah as we found our way back home. So another lesson learnt , always Google first before doing something reckless.

Till next time ,

Humans are greedy in nature , and that's a undeniable fact.

We tend to crave for more , and more.

Here's an example translated from a Chinese source :

'A is an important friend to B .

So on one fine day , A decided to bring an apple for B and B reluctantly accepted it .

And soon , A brought an apple for B everyday , soon it became a ritual , a habit .

B would look forward to see A everyday and collect the daily apple.

But one day , C came into the picture .

C became close friends with A too.

So A decided to give the apple to C instead and B got very upset.

The fact of the matter is , B is in no place to be mad at A .

A has the right to give the apple to anyone he desires . '

So who am i to be mad at you?

I'll just walk away instead.

Treat me like an option and i'll compare you to a speck of dust .

I've learnt to stop crying like a child for something , i walk away instead.

Call it jealousy or envy or whatsoever.

If i don't feel important , i leave in a blink of an eye.

Be it a painful period or so , i'll cry out of it ,

I'm getting tired of disappointments and i can't hang on there no more, just cut me loose .

And once again , i'm sorry , for the broken promise that i'll never be mad at you . x

They say , people tend to post stupid things when they're mad or upset , so i suggest you ignore this piece of emotional outbreak . Sincerely .

Frankly speaking , i don't even know why am i still alive, i mean, how could i still possibly be alive after going through a series of near death experience?

Okay , that was the fact being amplified a few times , in other words , i was exaggerating .

So , today i volunteered to attend a youth event as a facilitator . I could've said no but my brain kinda went doofus and i said yes instead.

Thus resulting in me, obliged to do as promised .

I daresay this would be one of the craziest decisions i ever made .

The day started off with me waking up at 5a.m.

Yes , I did woke up at 5a.m. but the world wouldn't end even though i did so let's move on.

I reached the gathering place at 6a.m. since i received special orders to do so a night before.

And oh my , how shocked i was to see a pretty empty crowd. I mean , why should i be surprised ? Being a typical Malaysian myself , i should've saw that coming.

And so , after a short briefing and all , we left for Metropolitan Park in Kepong , a short journey from the gathering place.

And here comes the speed demon.

I was driving at 120km/h on a highway with cars .

It might seem normal to people that's been driving for years but hey , i just got my license in January and i'm speeding in February. That's pretty crazy isn't it?

Damn, i'm losing interest in blogging now, so i'll cut all the crap.

Albeit having an empty stomach , i managed to pull it through for a few hours. But damn, i was on the verge of collapsing to the ground, i swear.

I was so hungry and i was being char-grilled under the scorching sun.

Trust me, it ain't no ordinary tan. The sun was like a vacuum , draining every bit of water that's left in me.

And please don't start with 'Are you on a diet?' Nope, i'm not on a diet . I didn't plan to skip it but i was forced to due to some circumstances.

Anyway , i was in charge of 2 stations and the 1st station was one hell of a nightmare.

I got countless bruises and cuts without me acknowledging . It adds to the collection of 'where the hell did these bruises and cuts came from list'. Wonderful much?

The participants were supposed to slide down flysheets on a slippery slope while planting flags at both sides.

Soon, the rafia string that was used to tie the flysheets together broke due to the weight of the participants. Joking, but i wasn't joking about the rafia strings.

So we as the facilitators of the station had to endure hardship and hold the flysheets intact.

And this would be the perfect timing to cue the song 'the climb by miley cyrus' cause that was one hell of a uphill battle , we had to climb up and down to ensure the flysheets are in place.

And taadaa, i think there was where i got most of my cuts and bruises since the place is filled with plants with small tiny thorns. Ouch.

The cuts are still visible and my friends might think i got abused at home or something . FML.

*This is it. I'm too lazy to blog and i shall end with the conclusion*

Overall , i think it was pretty fun and it was a great workout. I totally lost count the amount of calories i've burnt today. So, i might volunteer again if i went cuckoo the next time . Okay, who am i kidding? Obviously i would prefer sleeping at home , so let's just leave it that way.

What would you do if you were trapped six feet under , not in your grave but in a cave?
Personally , i don't think that's wise and i couldn't bring myself to imagine getting lost in a cave with nothing to hold on to nothing but a castrophobic self .
I could barely even trust myself .
That brings me back to the movie i watched recently , Sanctum .

To be frank , i never thought of watching that movie as the name of the movie sounds absolutely boring . Sanctum?! Are we gonna learn about religion or something? Cause as far as my level of understanding could bring me , sanctum means a sacred or holy place , free from intrusion . Other than that , the poster don't seem appealing with only 2 shades of color , black and blue with lots of words all over it.
But oh boy, how was i wrong.
That movie blew me away . It literally brought me on an emotional roller coaster ride and left me breathless with mixed emotions.
It got me praying in my seat , i was praying for the actors in my seat while watching a movie , could you believe that?!Cause i can't seem to fathom what was i doing as it was too intense to a point which i wouldn't believe it's based on a true story , ain't no fiction .
It made me question , how lucky am i to be living in civilization , to be living with my loved ones , to be enjoying my life , to cherish whatever i'm holding on to and it provokes things that you believe in.
As an example,would you assist a suicide if it's to save a person from much torment? If you're in a right mind , you would definitely say no . But it did happen in the movie , not only once but twice.
Apart from the great storyline and ups and downs in the plot , there was a huge let down in the movie .
I'm never a fan of gory stuff and never will be , the fact that they have to show each and every dead body just scares me and leave me gasping for air with hands covering my eye and constantly taking a glimpse or two. I mean , i would rather watch a bouncing inflated balloon than a floating inflated corpse . Wait , not A floating inflated corpse , i swear there were more than 3 corpses .
In a nutshell , Sanctum is movie with a great plot , great storyline , but i wouldn't watch it twice. It's too gory for my liking and it's just my 2 cents opinion though .

I thought i was fine all along ,
I thought i was so high up , with no room for failures, no room for mistakes , no point to fall .
But at this point in life , it just fell apart , everything is a lie to me. Every damn thing.
Everything, even my sanity is betraying me.
Life has taken a toll on me ,
How naive of me to believe that i'm already numb to the heartbreaks , be it friends or family.
Although i try so hard to ignore the feeling deep inside , i'm actually hurting , bit by bit and it's accumulated to an extend that i couldn't handle .
To an extend that my wounds would make me tear once in awhile .
I tend to convince myself that everything is fine , everything is real , everyone is there for me , every damn thing is meant to be .
To realize that i was living a world full of lies , along with a heart full of plasters and scars.
I would love to put the blame on everyone , on everyone that made me feel so screwed up .
But i can't , cause i'm that non existent person on earth , the one which no one cares about , the one that's left to die .

Why am i so gullible ?
Why do i always strive to please other even though i know i would end up wounded, with more scars to add to the collection?
Why do i let my decisions go when ...

This shows how fragile and fickle i am, inside out. I please people , to present myself as a better friend where as i silently endure the hardship .
I would love to stand up for myself, but that would risk resulting in a bad impression of me.
I can't do that , i just can't. My personality forbids me from doing so.
So i just take it in, every little bit of me is pushed to the limit to withstand the amount of tolerance i could take in.

Too numb of tolerating , i'm bleeding instead.

Choices , we're entitled to it most of the time.
Few weeks ago , i was given options to choose from.
A) To rot at home for 3 months and enter march intake
B) To enter january intake and start studying.

Which i chose the latter and thank God i did so.
Choices often leads us to cross roads or a dead end which we label as mistakes in life.
Choices too , inflict impacts.

As an example , when a group of friends invite me out , i could either
A) Play along with them and probably faint in the middle of the outing cause of tiredness.
B) Be comfortable and stay home despite being talked about how i 'changed' for not hanging out with them . I mean, it's time to grow up and move on. If our friendship is as good as we say it , misunderstandings shouldn't happen just because i didn't appear for an outing.
C) Do nothing at all and be labeled as irresponsible bitch.

And of course there could be more impacts , resulting in more complications in life. So i decided to make my life better by giving myself only 2 choices.
It's either a YES or a NO and i''m not gonna sit on the fence no more.
As for high school , it's time to move on , i mean , i do cherish the memories and friendship we have but it's time to move on .

My memory's been going back too much lately . High school's over william, it's over. Period.
Although the holidays practically screwed up my biological clock, i still tend to wake up at around 6.45 am and have a glimpse at the clock. And to be rest assured that i don't have to wake up and attend school but on the other hand , i really miss high school. I miss my class, i miss my spot , i miss the library , i miss the environment , i miss the ambience , i miss how the bell rings . And most importantly , i miss the crowd, the companion i have throughout high school. I decided to join January intake cause part of me is still not used to not studying in January after years of practice , it has became a habit .
They say , you tend to take things you have for granted and you'll never miss it until it's gone.
It's pretty true cause right now my memory often drifts back to the times in high school and all the conversation we had. It's pretty heart wrecking to know those times can't replay no more. The screaming and cheering in 5 dahlia often echoes in my ears. How i wish we were still there in class, intact , together , having fun.
Now it's all history , written in the stars , to be played in our minds , and never to be relived again.

I'm starting college tomorrow , i wish it was like high school , which i could i march in and act like i own the place. But the reality is, i don't and i'm very much afraid at the mention or the thought of college. As tomorrow comes, i'll be swarmed over by strangers.
On a side note , It's pretty comforting to know that there are so many people defending me behind my back , just incase i might slip and fall , they will be there to aid me , defend me while i get back on my knees. Having seniors to talk about college was... comforting? As least i know what to expect and all. I think i'm ready for the rumble. Bring it on;)

Don't mess with me , cause I'm nasty at it's finest ;)

Who are you to do this to me? Who gave you the liberty to tear my world apart?
Or maybe, who am i to screw things up and put the blame of others?
I guess it's my personality at it's best .
After thinking things over, i was the one at fault .
I was the one being a brainless idiot.
Sorry for i am no saint, i'm not perfect.
But at the end of the day , who is?
And once again, who am i to seek forgiveness from you?
I don't deserve all these. I don't .
It's late at night and I'm thinking of ways to make amends to reimburse the mistakes i did in life. Too much , way too much, not even a 'repeat' button in life could save me.