"I'm finished as a human being," she said. "All you're looking at is the lingering memory of what I used to be. The most important part of me, what used to be inside, died years ago, and I'm just functioning by auto-memory."

-Taken from Norwegian Wood written by Haruki Murakami

"Burnt lungs, sour taste"

Have you heard of a song named "The A-team" by Ed Sheeran? It's a nice song with a decent rhythm and yet it holds a deep, dark meaning hidden in between lines. It's mainly about a girl that is addicted to class A drugs and she does anything she could to get her hands on drugs. I believe that's her only way to escape reality, a short getaway from the cold world we live in. And as she turn to these artificial manner of temporary happiness, she walks along the path of self destruction without regrets of any sort for she has lost her will to stay alive and she just creeps by, day by day. I guess this song would describe my life to a certain degree after replacing the class A drugs with cigarettes. Some people enjoy smoking, some smoke due to the addiction to nicotine and there's some others that smoke for the fun of it. But I don't belong to any of the above for I smoke as an act of self destruction with hopes that each stick I take would take my life away, bit by bit, till I wither and die a lonely, ugly death. And don't get me wrong, I'm not addicted to nicotine at all, I can live on without smoking for a long period of time and I wouldn't feel a thing. Some friends of mine often bombard me with questions like , "Why would you want to die so badly?" "Why do you have these negative thoughts running in your mind?" Well, I don't necessarily seek death that badly, just that I'm not that keen on keeping my life either. I believe that if I were to die, I would. What's there to look forward to in life? It's just another rat race and people run around circles, never knowing their purpose in life. Maybe deep down, I'm just waiting for someone to save me from my old ways but no one ever did and I don't think anyone would.

To be honest, I don't think anyone sane would fall for a freak like me.
Likewise , I don't think I have the capability to fall for anyone.
It's like, I shouldn't even have the thought of being in a relationship with anyone .
I don't think I deserve anyone for I'm such a mess , such a wreck from inside out.
I demand such high expectation from someone that I think I might just suffocate them .
But who am I to have such expectations? I'm never good enough for anyone.
Why would anyone pick me amidst everyone else who has better looks , better personality?
I guess I'm just frustrated , frustrated at the fact that if I fall for anyone , no one would be there to catch me , and I don't think I'll be able to tank such pain . Someone just shoot me dead , please .

"This one's for the happiness that I'll be wishing you forever."

Holla there!
I guess it's about time for my emotional ramblings once again .
This post would be solely about my unpopular , two cents worth opinion towards 'love' .
And by the 'love' I'm referring to in this context is the romantic "love" that exist on earth , the type that Hollywood movies exist to instill a global mindset of what 'romantic love' is.
"Love", i don't think there's an actual definition to what it is. It could be a warm fuzzy feeling to someone , or perhaps a burden to another .
You see, being in love is just a state of mind we believe in when we feel a new wave of feelings overwhelming you, taking over and you're willing to do anything to keep the same feeling ablaze.
So by putting "Godly" love aside , cause I actually do believe God is up there somewhere , watching over me with His perfect love and any further arguments put forward would be rendered invalid (Actually that sounded a little bit too cheezy for comfort, right? Ha.Ha) , I'll start off with reasons on why I think love sucks .

1. Love makes you vulnerable .
In order to maintain a good relationship , you have to tolerate each other to a great length . You would have to change your age old perception towards something in order to love another . As an example , you would have to change your believes towards something in order to fit in with your other half . And I believe that in the process of doing so , you'll slowly shred the walls you've built up around you for years , exposing your vulnerable self to someone you "love" , making it easier for the person you love to harm you .

2. Love brings up attachment and higher expectations .
The longer you are in a relationship , the more attached you will be with each other . You would have to face the agony of waiting for a text or a call from your the person you love . And by waiting, you'll start to doubt yourself with unnecessary questions like , "Has he/she fallen for another?" "Is he/she talking to someone else?" "Am I not important enough to receive a good morning text?" "Am I being ignored?" and so on. And the pain that comes after detachment hurts way worse than that . Apart from that , you'll expect more from your partner , but the higher the expectation, the higher the fall. You'll probably expect to receive at least a text or a call everyday but if he/she doesn't do so, you'll be disappointed , which therefore leads to sadness .

3. Love is uncertain and it hurts .
How sure are you that the love you have for someone would last a long time ? How sure can you be that you'll never get bored of being with the same person? This proves how uncertain love can be as nothing last forever . And as you watch your partner fall for someone else , all that's left is history . Apart from that , love hurts when a couple is not willing to break off a relationship that has withered long ago cause they believe that they might harm their other half by breaking it off and they would rather suffer silently .

And contrary to what I've just blogged about , I do believe in true love and that love is capable to change someone for good . But, what are the chances of finding your true love? To quote "The Only Exception" ,
"Maybe I know somewhere , deep in my soul that love never last
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone or keep a straight face
Up until now I've sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness."

I've sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness...

I came to realization that this blog of mine has became a place for an emotional wreck like me to rant about my poor emotional state . I think I'm deranged , or maybe , I am deranged . I wonder if some nerves up my brain went haywire due to the amount stress I subject myself to. I really hope that's the case , cause that could easily be fixed with a correct dosage of medicine prescription , but i can't say the same if I'm mentally deranged , or perhaps , broken within . I doubt even the best doctors could fix a wreck like me . I often dream that someday , someone would serenade me with "fix you" by Coldplay . That song means so much to me, that I couldn't even bring myself to express what I feel when I listen to that song . It flutters my heart strings and bring me to a state in which I casually believe that I'm fine , strong and I'm not afraid of anything. But the truth is that , I'm not .

1. "I'm fine" , is in fact the biggest lie I've said to anyone , deep within I know that I'm not, I'm falling apart as days come and go , I could feel pieces of me dying every single day and hope is withering in me. People around me tend to say , "You'll feel better after a nap, everything would be fine." But that doesn't apply to me . I would wake up the next day and sigh for I didn't die in my sleep , such a shame , isn't it?

2."I'm strong" , that would be the persona I wear when I leave my house . But once I get home and realize I'm all alone , "strong" would be the wrong word to describe me for I'm too vulnerable to be deemed as strong. Truth be told , even when I go to bed , I need my 3 teddy bears to protect me , to assure me that they will be there for me even when everything falls apart . So how could I be strong when I'm still so vulnerable ?

3."I'm not afraid of anything." , that's a lie too . I tend to laugh at others when they say that they're afraid of insects , dark and etc , just to put on a fake facet of me that I'm not afraid of anything. But I'm a human too and fear would be one of my worst enemies . For example , while I was looking for a parking spot in a shopping mall , suddenly there was a car tailing me from behind and the scary part was that the driver was speeding while tailing me . Anxiety and fear got the best of me and I accelerated too , but it was a futile attempt to shake him off my tail . So , i decided to go against the traffic in the parking lot and drove somewhere else . That would be considered as a bad driving experience as I suffered from post-anxiety after that incident . Sigh.

"I'm going absolutely insane and nobody has noticed."

I wonder if I could prove the validity of the statement above . As days come and go , I tend to wonder if my life could get anymore Stepford-like , and indeed it could and it did. I'm so frustrated , bored and tired of my mundane lifestyle that I'm going absolutely mad and the funny thing would be that nobody has noticed , not even people close to me. I'm losing the grip on reality and I'm falling deep into abyss , like a flightless bird , plunging into darkness.

"Oh doh, Oh dear , Oh darling , what's the sighing about?"
The sighing is a my heart's longing for all my dreams to come true , but none of them every did , so it weeps silently everyday . Sigh .

"HAYYY THEREEE ! :D"

Did the sentence above change your perception towards me? Perhaps, made me sound like an optimistic person? Cause I hope it did, i guess it works like a charm , just like the fake smile I've been putting on for quite some time. But please, don't get me wrong , I do experience happy times and I try to smile or laugh as often as possible , especially with my loved ones.

Anyway, I'm here to clear some things off my mind so that I don't blabber out inappropriate words in front people that wouldn't like my honest opinion .

1. I'm yet to describe my disdain towards rich , uneducated brats . By uneducated , i don't mean it literally, just that sometimes they act like they're spoilt brats without proper teachings and they would just put on the 'I'm freaking rich, so what?" attitude that deserves a decent scolding or bitching from me. To be honest , if you're rich , please wear a classy attitude and avoid treating others like slaves . At the very least , treat others with respect . Here's a personal encounter my close friend had with a mutual , rich friend.
Rich Friend(RF) : Hey Laura , you should hang out with William ! He's getting dumber and dumber each day ! Do you know that he scored pretty bad for the previous test?
Laura : *remains dumbfounded by the conversation and decided to tell me*
Therefore, what makes you think you could blabber on about other people's lives when your own attitude is so bad that it's turning negative ? And please , don't take this personally as i wasn't referring to all the rich people out there and i doubt a normal person would have the courage to tell each and every one of your friends that you're rich and own a fortune that doesn't belong to your parents and that you have to depend on your parents to buy the pair of underwear you're wearing . Just saying.

2. Apart from that , I can't put up with people that are constantly complaining about breaking up. And by that, i meant breaking up in general like a group of friends or perhaps couples . If you're my close friend that has recently gotten into a fight with your partner and need mental support, I'll be there. But if you're just a normal friend or acquaintance of mine, trying to get my attention and pity , I would suggest that you keep the issue to yourself and to those who care , because I honestly don't . And to quote , "Only a few would honestly care about you and most of them are just curious." In this case, I would be the latter. For that being said , I digress to my main point. I'm sick and tired of people ranting about a group of friends breaking up and they're not making an effort to fix it. As far as I could recall , a few of you decided to walk out of the group and you put the blame on the rest of the group. To be frank , we're still here and we never went off . Maybe, just maybe , you guys were too busy ranting about the group that you've totally forgotten about that . We all did our part by inviting all of you for events and all , so please stop complaining that we're breaking up . You have to keep in mind that we did make and effort while you guys were busy avoiding the whole world .

They say to forgive and forget , but I'm not a saint , not even close to being one. So I think I would be able to forgive but not forget for I don't plan on doing so. Toodaloo .