The art of losing you (and myself)

I don't mean to brag, but I've perfected both the art of losing you and myself in a month. I guess that's the price that I would've to pay after falling in love. 

"I tried to recover, 

 I tried to get better,

 But somewhere along the way something went wrong.

 I fell apart again,

 I lost again."

Guess what have I done again?

I succumbed to my own curiosity, curiosity kills, they say. I went ahead to stalk your profile. I would say that's the worst decision ever. On the other hand, I'm glad that you've found someone better, someone more deserving of you. Someone that doesn't gives you shit. Someone worth loving.

I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry for my behaviour. I'm so sorry for the mistakes that I've made, one of it being letting you go so easily.

Sometimes, I wonder if I really deserve all of this, I don't know. I don't wanna know either. What have I done to deserve all these shit thrown at me?

*I'm not sober .

Cuckoo-cuckoo, as certain as time passes, the wall clock chimed, signifying yet another passing hour wasted. It's as if the clock is mocking me, sneering at my unproductiveness. Well, what else can I say? Probably something like, "Hey, don't you mock me you unanimated object! At least I get things done even with due procrastination!" Then again, what's the point of justifying things? And as I always say, mind over matter. Yes, mind over the fucking matter. Definitely easier said than done. As I was saying, my life is not a love story written by Nicholas Cage nor an action packed movie like 007, in general it's just a bad movie on rerun. But just like every other story out there, it has major highs and manic lows. Part of the manic lows would be losing things that weren't mine to start with. It's like how kids would cry over toys in the mall, wanting toys that doesn't belong to them. That, is a dreadful feeling. It could've, would've, should've been yours, but it's not.


"In the land of gods and monsters, I was an angel living in the garden of evil, screwed up, scared, doing anything I needed, shining like a fiery beacon."

"If I get a little prettier, can I be your baby?" xx

"But if you want to leave, you can. I'll remember you, though...I remember everyone that leaves"

I've never understood how it feels when someone leaves, until this day. Yet, I would have to face it soon and it's not something I fancy experiencing. Expect the unexpected, they say, but who knew this day would come so soon. The day in which I dread, even in my dreams. But, there are times in which I long for it to happen, longing to give it all up and just let go. I would've admitted that I've lost if I could, who knew I would lose in a game that I created in my mind? Who knew...? Even if you don't love a person, it still hurts to see them walk away and I'll never be able to comprehend that heartbreak. If only I have a heart made out of metal and a soul that's cold as ice, yeah, perhaps I should get it in done A.S.A.P. Judging the current level of technology, it shouldn't be much of a problem right? I guess not, or probably I should get busy, doing things that don't matter just to get my mind of things that shouldn't matter. Goodnight.

"I'm finished as a human being," she said. "All you're looking at is the lingering memory of what I used to be. The most important part of me, what used to be inside, died years ago, and I'm just functioning by auto-memory."

-Taken from Norwegian Wood written by Haruki Murakami

"Burnt lungs, sour taste"

Have you heard of a song named "The A-team" by Ed Sheeran? It's a nice song with a decent rhythm and yet it holds a deep, dark meaning hidden in between lines. It's mainly about a girl that is addicted to class A drugs and she does anything she could to get her hands on drugs. I believe that's her only way to escape reality, a short getaway from the cold world we live in. And as she turn to these artificial manner of temporary happiness, she walks along the path of self destruction without regrets of any sort for she has lost her will to stay alive and she just creeps by, day by day. I guess this song would describe my life to a certain degree after replacing the class A drugs with cigarettes. Some people enjoy smoking, some smoke due to the addiction to nicotine and there's some others that smoke for the fun of it. But I don't belong to any of the above for I smoke as an act of self destruction with hopes that each stick I take would take my life away, bit by bit, till I wither and die a lonely, ugly death. And don't get me wrong, I'm not addicted to nicotine at all, I can live on without smoking for a long period of time and I wouldn't feel a thing. Some friends of mine often bombard me with questions like , "Why would you want to die so badly?" "Why do you have these negative thoughts running in your mind?" Well, I don't necessarily seek death that badly, just that I'm not that keen on keeping my life either. I believe that if I were to die, I would. What's there to look forward to in life? It's just another rat race and people run around circles, never knowing their purpose in life. Maybe deep down, I'm just waiting for someone to save me from my old ways but no one ever did and I don't think anyone would.

To be honest, I don't think anyone sane would fall for a freak like me.
Likewise , I don't think I have the capability to fall for anyone.
It's like, I shouldn't even have the thought of being in a relationship with anyone .
I don't think I deserve anyone for I'm such a mess , such a wreck from inside out.
I demand such high expectation from someone that I think I might just suffocate them .
But who am I to have such expectations? I'm never good enough for anyone.
Why would anyone pick me amidst everyone else who has better looks , better personality?
I guess I'm just frustrated , frustrated at the fact that if I fall for anyone , no one would be there to catch me , and I don't think I'll be able to tank such pain . Someone just shoot me dead , please .

"This one's for the happiness that I'll be wishing you forever."

Holla there!
I guess it's about time for my emotional ramblings once again .
This post would be solely about my unpopular , two cents worth opinion towards 'love' .
And by the 'love' I'm referring to in this context is the romantic "love" that exist on earth , the type that Hollywood movies exist to instill a global mindset of what 'romantic love' is.
"Love", i don't think there's an actual definition to what it is. It could be a warm fuzzy feeling to someone , or perhaps a burden to another .
You see, being in love is just a state of mind we believe in when we feel a new wave of feelings overwhelming you, taking over and you're willing to do anything to keep the same feeling ablaze.
So by putting "Godly" love aside , cause I actually do believe God is up there somewhere , watching over me with His perfect love and any further arguments put forward would be rendered invalid (Actually that sounded a little bit too cheezy for comfort, right? Ha.Ha) , I'll start off with reasons on why I think love sucks .

1. Love makes you vulnerable .
In order to maintain a good relationship , you have to tolerate each other to a great length . You would have to change your age old perception towards something in order to love another . As an example , you would have to change your believes towards something in order to fit in with your other half . And I believe that in the process of doing so , you'll slowly shred the walls you've built up around you for years , exposing your vulnerable self to someone you "love" , making it easier for the person you love to harm you .

2. Love brings up attachment and higher expectations .
The longer you are in a relationship , the more attached you will be with each other . You would have to face the agony of waiting for a text or a call from your the person you love . And by waiting, you'll start to doubt yourself with unnecessary questions like , "Has he/she fallen for another?" "Is he/she talking to someone else?" "Am I not important enough to receive a good morning text?" "Am I being ignored?" and so on. And the pain that comes after detachment hurts way worse than that . Apart from that , you'll expect more from your partner , but the higher the expectation, the higher the fall. You'll probably expect to receive at least a text or a call everyday but if he/she doesn't do so, you'll be disappointed , which therefore leads to sadness .

3. Love is uncertain and it hurts .
How sure are you that the love you have for someone would last a long time ? How sure can you be that you'll never get bored of being with the same person? This proves how uncertain love can be as nothing last forever . And as you watch your partner fall for someone else , all that's left is history . Apart from that , love hurts when a couple is not willing to break off a relationship that has withered long ago cause they believe that they might harm their other half by breaking it off and they would rather suffer silently .

And contrary to what I've just blogged about , I do believe in true love and that love is capable to change someone for good . But, what are the chances of finding your true love? To quote "The Only Exception" ,
"Maybe I know somewhere , deep in my soul that love never last
And we've got to find other ways to make it alone or keep a straight face
Up until now I've sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness."

I've sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness...